Gifts for People With a Dirty Mind (Who Already Have Everything)

Everyone has one. The friend who can't hear the phrase "stuffed baguette" without making eye contact across the room. The one who has every gadget, every subscription, and precisely nothing left to unwrap. You cannot surprise this person with things. You can only surprise them with filth they haven't thought of yet.

That's my entire job. Here's the shortlist.

Books that out-filth them

The Glorious Hole, a tale of a truly magnificent hole. Edging, a book about garden borders that takes an agonisingly long time to get where it's going. The Knuckle Shuffle, a dance craze, obviously. And Squirting, which is about water. Each one is £12.99 of your brain doing all the work.

Make it personal

The gift they genuinely cannot own already: a personalised book with their own name printed through the story. Their name, their kebab, their smelly beaver, immortalised in print for £24.99. It's the difference between a funny gift and a legendary one.

For the desk and the kitchen

The mug collection lets them broadcast it daily. Scissoring Is My Favourite Craft for the crafter, Stop Looking at My Tits for the birdwatcher, and the cheeky coasters for people whose coffee table needs a content warning.

If you truly cannot decide

Sort the whole catalogue by occasion with Shop by Mood, browse gifts for him and gifts for her, or hand the decision to me entirely: the Book Club delivers a handpicked book every month, and a mystery box means even you won't know how bad it's going to be.

UK shipping is free over £25. Their poor mother was right about you.